Empty space

It is over.

I am back in Spain. It’s not cold nor dark. It’s noisy and crowded. And I am spending my Christmas holidays at my parents.

It can sound quite nice, but it’s not as good as it seems. Ok, I like being able to see the sun most of the time, but I miss silence and nature and I am not used to live with my family anymore (I’ve been living on my own for the past five years).

Maybe I have started writing with such a pessimistic feeling, although that’s not what I wanted to transmit.

I am not sure how I feel right now. I have been living in such a healthy environment for the past months that coming back to “real life” it’s not being easy at all. While I was studying in TUAS I experienced something new for me: autonomy. In my studies, I mean. For the first time in five years I have been asked the following question: “What do you want to learn?” When I heard that I was not sure how to answer; were they really asking me my opinion, my interests on my field of studies, what did I like to know? So I asked them to repeat the question. “Yes, what do you want to learn from us?” I don’t know about you, but I had never thought about something like that, so I had to take the time and rethink where did I want to go after graduating. Where do I want to go. And even though I know more or less what I like to do, I have no clue of what to do with all that I’ve learned until now.

I will be graduating this June. And my head is a complete mess. What do I know? What do I want to do afterwards? What do I want to become? Where do I want to be?

If there is something I have learned during this degree is how to deal with stress (it may seem it’s not really related to acting or theatre, but believe me, you learn how to do it, specially if you have to combine the studies with a part-time job). So when my brain started formulating all those questions in my head, I decided to give myself some rest and go for a walk on the beach. And then I remembered that I can’t let such questions bother me because they are always gonna be there. And I firmly believe it’s useless to try to answer them, since life takes turns that you never expect. So it is better to leave them, to embrace the emptiness of those answers and to let life itself fill those gaps. Time will tell…

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Text and picture by Teresa Carrascosa